The Shelf

I feel as though I have been on hold for five years. Maybe longer. I feel as though God picked me up, gave me one quick hug and placed me on a shelf then turned His back, turned off the light and closed the door. For three of those five years I was content to stay perfectly still and perfectly quiet on that shelf. It felt right, it felt safe. Then about two years ago the shelf became dusty, the air stifling, my bones stiff and I began to want to change positions. I began to miss the light so I cracked opened the door just a wee bit. The light was a little uncomfortable and blinding after so long on the dark shelf. The little whiff of fresh air that came in through the crack caused me to breathe a little deeper. The warmth that came in felt good and I began to yearn for more. But yearning is not doing. A feeling of a little loneliness crept across my heart and I called out to God--remember me? Did you forget me on this shelf? Are you ever coming back?

Oh I know you're protecting me in here. I know you promised never to leave me so I know you're around here somewhere. I hate to be a pest, but now might be a good time to show me your presence--I miss seeing you--did you miss me? We used to be so busy together. We never had a moment to think, to breathe, to feel. I don't know about you but those times really wore me out. I did need the time on the shelf, but I never meant for you to go on without me. Did I disappoint you; did I disobey you?

 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

That's what the shelf has been about! Waiting. Waiting upon the Lord. You knew my strength was gone. Years of trying to be that Godly woman, wife, mother, ministry leader were exciting and gratifying but tiring. When taking care of a mother with Alzheimer's and a father-in-law with terminal cancer were added in, the tiredness turned to exhaustion. The exhaustion turned to illness--diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure. I needed a waiting time and place but I didn't know how to get there and I didn't think Christians were allowed to go there. I just kept slipping down further into a pit of despair and I couldn't find a way out.

 "He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay; And he set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings." Psalm 40:2

But then God...heard my groanings and understood every feeling I could not express. But then God...moved me thousands of miles from everyone and everything I knew and loved. But then God...allowed my mother's Alzheimer's to get so bad she could not live with me any longer. But then God...gave me an empty nest and gave my husband a job that took him away from home during the week. He put me on the shelf--the quiet, peaceful, safe, secure shelf. He showed me on that shelf in the quiet days and nights just how tired and numb I was but more importantly, He showed me that it was o.k. to stay there until I felt better and stronger.  He taught me something I was never good at before--He taught me to wait. The world didn't end. My children and grand children's lives were not put on hold until I could help them with it. My mother still needed help but I learned to allow other's who were trained to help me with her. I missed my husband and he missed me but our marriage grew stronger and more loving. He let me see that He really didn't need me to help Him heal abuse victims (my ministry), but He gave me peace to know that when He restored my strength He would use me again. God showed me that I was His daughter and therefore He would take care of me just as I told others He would take care of all of their needs. He lavished love on me by letting me just rest. He didn't value me because of what I could do for Him but because of what He had done for me. Jesus did it all!

After I cracked open that door and called to Him, He answered. He brought me into a time of prayer. The next two years were years of preparation. Everyday He allowed me more and more time to commune with Him--pray and wait for His answers, a luxury I had never had a lot of. I don't believe in "magic" but that is the word that most will understand--these years were "magical".  How amazing that the God who created everything would take the time to hear my prayers and to care enough to answer each one! Each answered prayer did make me feel as if I was soaring with eagle's wings. Finally, in His timing, I was ready to come off of the shelf.

In His gracious goodness the Lord allowed my husband and myself to move back to a place where we are known and loved, where we met Jesus and served Him for the first time, where we met each other and married and raised our children and watched each other grow older and dearer. I don't know all of the reasons He has allowed this; I only know that He has renewed my strength, He has given me back my joy and excitement to serve Him.

I also know that there are so many of you out there who are just tired--worn out and weary. Your joy has worn thin from years of caring for others and keeping your family's going. It's difficult for you to get up in the morning or make decisions or keep up the pretense that your life is fine. Please believe me when I tell you that God sees you and knows how difficult your life is right now. He doesn't want you to bear these cares and feelings on your own. He is there for you. Contrary to what you might firmly believe, He really doesn't need you to keep everyone and everything together--that's His job. He wants you to surrender. Surrender the control to Him. For some of you that thought is terrifying so I challenge you today to surrender just one tiny problem to God. Ask Him to take control of it and leave it with Him. Watch and see that the Lord is good and can be trusted. No matter what your circumstances look like don't take it back. Leave it with the Lord--WAIT upon the Lord and feel the freedom He gives you. Then next week give Him one more thing, then one more until you have cast all of your cares on Him. At that point you will understand how waiting on Him has set you free to soar like an eagle and run the marathon of life without fear or fatigue.

Only Children

"God loves each of us as if there were only one of us." St. Augustine

I've often laughed that I raised three only children. I am an only child. It's been easy at times to understand the concept that God loves each of us as if we were His only child. Possibly a little self-absorbed, but easy. When I pray I just know He is listening intently to what I am saying and really caring about the answer to my prayers. That "feeling" has made it much easier to go to Him in prayer, to expect to see the answers to those prayers. If I step back from that easy relationship and look at the complexity of it all it really is too much for me to comprehend.

There are so many of us, there are so many problems and concerns and cares--how can He hear my singular prayer about my minuscule problem? That's when I think of my own children. They are all so different. They lead very, very different lives and have their own unique problems and concerns. Some they share, some I can only imagine or discern. Yet each of my children's lives are of utmost importance to me. I want to know if they are happy or sad, if they are getting enough rest and food, if their relationships are fulfilling or stressful. I want to know that every step they are taking in their lives is leading them on a journey that will be satisfying as they look back. I want to see them become caring people to the less fortunate, sensitive to the hurting and loving to the unlovable. I want them to freely communicate their cares to me. I desperately want to see them in a relationship with the Lord that will sustain them for all of eternity. When I think on these things I realize how God thinks of each of us. If I, a mere mortal mother, have these feelings for my own children how much more the eternal God must have for His children!

"He is always thinking about us. We are before His eyes. The Lord's eye never sleeps, but is always watching out for our welfare. We are continually on His heart." C.H. Spurgeon

"Even before God created the heavens and the earth, He knew you and me, and He chose us! You and I were born because it was God's good pleasure." Kay Arthur

Can you imagine that? I can on a finite level, but only because He so graciously put those same feelings on a smaller scale in me for my own children. Have you known that kind of love? Did your parents listen and love and care? Did you know that when you talked they really, really listened? Or, maybe you can relate as I do, because you know the depths of love you have for your children. No matter what your experiences, no matter what your past, I hope this new year brings you to a place with God that you want to draw closer then you ever have dared before. If you have had no relationship, I hope you will begin. James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." We draw near to God when we understand and accept John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." God made the way for those of us who are so imperfect to draw near to Him in all of His perfection through Jesus Christ, His Son.

If you have accepted Christ as your Savior but you still don't feel the closeness, you still don't feel like an only child in His kingdom of so many children; I pray you will continue that drawing near by reading His word, the Bible. No matter how inferior you feel today or how many doubts you have that God could care about you in so personal a way, I pray that you step out in faith by praying--casting all of your cares and concerns upon Him. Talk to Him! Start a prayer journal, write down the prayers AND the answers to your prayers that He provides you. I think you will be astonished by the depths of His caring, the abundance of His love. Then I hope you will share with us your journey.

Dreams

"We spend our lives dreaming of the future, not realizing that a little of it slips away every day." Barbara Johnson

When I was young I was such a dreamer! Our family was part of the great middle class that came to be after World War II. My father was one of the young soldiers that enlisted right out of high school. He left the family farm where he had known poverty and saw people and places he had only read about in his small town library. When he did return he quickly married a very young girl from a tiny, tiny Texas town and together they began a life of travel and parties and upward mobility. I never lived the life they had grown up in. I grew up neither rich nor poor--in the middle. I loved to read books about other lands and other lifestyles. Television was a huge part of my home life. I grew up in America; the land of opportunity, the land where dreams could come true if you worked hard enough for them. So I dreamed.

As a little girl I dreamed of being Miss America, of being a movie star, of living a life of glamor in New York City. In my angst filled teenage years I dreamed of boys, marriage, babies but also of being a hippie and living in a commune, of protesting in Washington D.C. and making a difference in the world. I dreamed of singing like Joanie Mitchell, dancing Swan Lake and winning an Academy Award--the world was exciting and filled with promise.

Somewhere along the years the dreams got smaller and smaller until one day in my forties I realized they had disappeared. I no longer dreamed of my future and what I might be able to achieve if I just worked hard enough. Had I gotten to a place of contentment or complacency--or defeat? I looked backwards alot now and in the dark times I was looking back at all of the dreams that had not come true. I hadn't done any of the great things I had dreamed of in my youth. I had married and raised children. At the time that seemed to be all I could handle.

Now, the children I raised are gone. They are in that period of life where they are trying to achieve their own dreams. I see it in the way they live their lives. They are very busy people. I tried the other day to think about dreams I might want to revive for the balance of my life. I had a hard time thinking of any. Then I read the quote by Barbara Johnson and it made the light bulb go off. I really don't want to spend the remainder of my days dreaming. So much time has already slipped away. For the time left I want to just trust. Trust that my Heavenly Father will achieve those things in me that He planned before I was even born. Trust that I'm not going to miss anything that He has for me. Trust that, if I'll just surrender my plans and dreams to Him, He will guide my life and give me the desires of my heart. I want to build my future on trust not dreams because in that trust are the promises.

"For I know the plans I have for you--declares the Lord. Plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

He always knew His plans for me--and for you. He always knew that I wasn't going to live an amazing life in New York City, but He knew that two of my children would. He knew I wasn't ever going to be a hippie and work to change the world, but He knew that my oldest son would. He knew I wasn't going to ever win the Academy Award, but He knew that my daughter would be an amazing actress who might. He knew His plans for me were to raise children who would be so much braver and brighter and that they would do amazing things that I could only dream of. He knew He would give me spiritual children to nurture and love and one day those spiritual kids would do so much more then anything I could dream of accomplishing. He knew that these things would bring me more joy and fulfillment then any of the silly dreams I had dreamed on my own.

I'm in this new stage of my life--not wasting an instant dreaming of what I'll be one day, but trusting the Lord for each day, for each moment. I want the balance of my life to be exactly what He wants it to be. I want to accomplish all that He has for me to do. I want to be the "good and faithful servant" and to trust Him for the results.

I know there are some of you who are reading this who have had your dreams crushed and destroyed--maybe even today. I know how badly that hurts and I'm sorry that you are going through that pain, but I want you to know that you aren't going to miss "it". "It" may not look like the dream you have been dreaming--mine certainly didn't--but "it" will look exactly like God's plan for your life from the beginning. His good and loving plan for you. If you've been struggling and trying so hard to be or to earn or to achieve and you just can't get there, please know that there is another way--a better way--God's way. Trust His word, hold on tight to His promises. What does He promise you? If you are His child--you've prayed and asked Him to forgive your sins and to be your Savior--He promises you Jeremiah 29:11 and so much more!

Unexpected Christmas

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18

"Do we not continually pass by blessings innumerable without notice, and instead fix our eyes on what we feel to be our trials and our losses, and think and talk about these until our whole horizon is filled with them, and we almost begin to think we have no blessings at all?" Hannah Whitall Smith

How was your Christmas? I hope you received all that you had hoped for. I hope you were surrounded by love and family and that you ended your day of celebrating Jesus' birth with full tummies and hearts. I can almost be certain that some of you who are reading this did not have the Christmas you had been dreaming about. I know mine did not go exactly as I had planned--in fact it went pretty much exactly the opposite of the way I had it planned and there were moments when I thought it was completely ruined. I wanted to cry or scream or both. It's my own fault. I paint the pictures in my head with too vivid of colors. I forget that when real people are involved the colors will mix together and overlap and the picture will at times be muted and at times be blurred and at other times look like a Jackson Pollock original.

My husband and I woke up really early to drive the hour to pick up my Mother and then drive the two hours to my youngest son's home. His house was already filled with so many that I love--both my sons, their wives, my granddaughter and new grandson. My daughter was on her way. As the house filled with the smells of the Christmas feast we were about to have and the area around the tree exploded with gifts to be opened I looked around with such contentment. Maybe the picture wasn't exactly what I had imagined, but it was pretty close. We ate our meal. Gift opening would come next and I could imagine the happy faces as each opened presents that had been picked out intentionally and with love for each one. Then I heard a fearful voice coming from the restroom. My mother was screaming for me to come help her. I entered to find blood everywhere and my 82 year old mother shaking violently. Isn't it strange that when we are confronted by things like this so often the Lord just seems to slow our hearts down and helps us to remain calm? Well, He does that for me anyway. I'm always calm when calamity strikes and then when it's over, I usually fall apart. When I say there was blood everywhere, I mean there was a LOT of blood. She had told us earlier that when she woke up that morning there was a lot of blood on her pillow and that her nurse's aide where she lives said it was a nose bleed. Her nose was bleeding again, but not like any nose bleed I had ever seen. My daughter came into the restroom and panicked. My son who's house it was immediately thought she would die right there in his home on Christmas morning. My husband, the voice of reason, said it's a bad nose bleed, let's apply pressure and stop the bleeding and she'll be o.k. I could see that the kids were too afraid so I said I thought we better take her to the hospital. We did. We spent hours in the emergency room on Christmas Day in New York City.

By the time we reached the hospital the bleeding had indeed stopped as the voice of reason had said but because she had so much blood on her and because she is elderly, they put her in a wheelchair and wheeled her right in. She was seen very quickly and the doctor confirmed it was just a bloody nose probably caused by her heater drying out the air in her apartment this time of year. He decided he would check out her blood to see if it was too thin or if she had lost too much so the two kids who had accompanied us went back to the festivities and my husband and I waited. As my daughter left she took a picture of her grandmother and put it on Facebook with the caption "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer!".

I am ashamed to say that at that moment my thoughts were not God's thoughts. I felt resentment that I was in the emergency room of a New York City hospital on Christmas instead of celebrating with my family. I wanted the doctors and the lab technicians to hurry--I felt robbed of precious moments and invaluable time. I almost felt panicked that I was loosing seconds that I would never be able to get back and I needed each one of those seconds--I really, really needed them! This was one holiday that my empty nest was going to be full again, when my quiet life would be filled with noise and laughter again and I was missing it all to care for the mother who was seldom there when I was a child to care for me.

I've cared for my mother since my father died--21 years ago. At first, it was just taking care of paying her bills because my father always did that. Through the years she needed more and more care until finally she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and she had to move in with us. My whole life the role of mother and child had been reversed. She never seemed to grow up and I had to grow up too quickly. We were never close, never bonded, never got along for any length of time. Despite that, rarely a day has gone by that I have not called her to make sure she was all right. I made sure that my children were around her as much as possible--they have always adored her. I accepted the responsibility of taking care of her because I knew it was expected of me. Somewhere along the journey of taking care of this woman who really only invoked anger in me because of her neglect, I began to see her through the Lord's eyes. I began to enjoy hearing the stories of the past that Alzheimer's had made so vivid to her. I began to excuse the things that in the past I had found inexcusable in her. She started telling strangers that I was her best friend and I thought, o.k., I can handle being her friend and caring for her as unto the Lord. The amazing thing was that in learning to care for her the Lord began healing me of the hurts and bitterness of the past.

But now we were in the emergency room and the images of being a child and having my own nose bleeds and only my father to comfort me and take care of me. The resentment stirred up because I could not be with my own children that I had tried to nurture in all of the ways that she had failed to nurture me. Why God? Just as the tears started to run over the brim of my eyes He literally opened my eyes. Here I was in a hospital on Christmas day surrounded by nurses, doctors, technicians, janitors and aides who were not home with their loved ones. They had been cheerful to us from the moment we got there. They had served my mother without a thought of their own losses. She was a stranger that needed their help and they were giving their best gift of care to her. I took another look at my mother laying on the hospital bed and asked the Lord to please forgive me and change my heart; to please help me to minister to her with love and patience and to show the people at this hospital His love through me. I knew at that point that He would give us the time we needed to all be together; that He would work it all for our good and that was enough--more then enough to bring me peace.

Shortly after that prayer the doctor returned to tell us all was well with her blood and shortly after that she was dismissed. As we left the hospital we were able to wish all of the workers a Merry Christmas with real joy in our hearts. By the time we eventually got my mother back to her home my heart was thankful for each moment we all shared, each kiss, each hug, each joy-filled laugh. I could not tell you what each person received for a Christmas gift--I don't even care--this Christmas will always be precious to me because God shook my perfect Christmas up like a snow globe. He shook up the control I was unknowingly trying to exert to make Christmas fit into my box, he shook up feelings I thought I had long ago conquered but were still under the surface making me sick and sad. He let the snow come (figuratively and literally) and settle on my life and the scene that was left after all the shaking up was so much prettier then the scene He could see in me before.

If your Christmas wasn't exactly what you had hoped for. If relationships were difficult or hurtful. If all you feel is empty or angry or resentful when you know that you should feel peaceful and loving and thankful please remember that God knows what you are feeling and He cares. Sometimes He even has to show us what we are feeling and He'll do that for you because He loves you and He really, really wants to heal you. As He reminds us in John 14:18, even if our earthly parents are not here for us for whatever reason, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

Miracles Happen!

As I was praying about what I would write in this blog today, I kept feeling like I needed to write about miracles. After all, it is the season to celebrate miracles--the miracle of our Savior's birth being the entire reason for the season. But as I began typing about the past God kept bringing me back to now. Do you ever miss seeing His miracles in your life because you are so caught up in just living your life? I know I have been guilty of that so often.

Gloria Gaither said, "I could go through this day oblivious to the miracles all around me or I could tune in and "enjoy"." So I decided to tune in. I decided to quit thinking about the grand celebration we will be having in three days to celebrate the miraculous birth of Jesus, to quit thinking about being surrounded by my miraculous children and grand children and look around on this day. You know what I see? Wouldn't it be charming if I could just automatically name off several miracles right now? But I can't. What I see is a bedroom filled with wrapping paper that needs to be put away for another year, a carpet that needs vacuuming, meals that need to be cooked, relationships that need to be tended to. I see people in my life who need jobs, homes and hope. I see people in my life that don't know my Savior after so many years of my prayers. I see a country that appears to be falling apart.

So in the midst of  all of these things, how do I get to a place where I can see all of the miraculous things that God is doing? I think the answer is the simplest little thing. Most of us learned it in kindergarten--stop, look and listen! Stop seeing things through our day to day occurrences, look through the eyes of Jesus at both people and events, and listen to His interpretation of miracles!

If I stop and take a second look at the carpet and the bedroom I can be so thankful for a nice warm home and I can ask God to give the homeless the miracle of a warm dwelling place this year. When I stress about the meals, I can take a second look in my pantry and refrigerator and I can be thankful for all of the amazing food He has supplied us with and I can prayerfully ask Him to miraculously supply the hungry children and adults in this world with the nourishment they need. In fact, I can pray for miracles for all of the things I complain about regularly. Luke 1:37 says, "For nothing will be impossible with God."  I believe it.

Then the Lord brought to mind another scripture--John 14:12

"I assure you" The one who believes in Me will also do the works that I do. And he will do even greater works than these, because I am going to the Father."

Oh no, I believe that too! I had to listen. Maybe if you and I are to see and celebrate some miracles today, we need to be involved in the work of the miracle. I'm not saying that God won't answer our prayers when we ask Him for the miracles. I'm saying maybe He has said He will use us to help bring about some of those miracles. If we ask God for a miracle for someone we love, how blessed we would be if He in turn asked us to help in the work of giving them that miracle. If I'm looking for the miracle of homes for the homeless, wouldn't it be just like our Lord to show me a ministry that could use my help in building homes for the homeless; food for the hungry; salvation for the loss. Maybe we don't see the miracles because we are not stopping our everyday routines, looking through Jesus' eyes, and listening to His word as He encourages us to join Him in His work on earth.

"Here lies the tremendous mystery--that God should be all-powerful, yet refuse to coerce. He summons us to cooperation. We are honored in being given the opportunity to participate in His good deeds. Remember how He asked for help in performing His miracles: Fill the water pots, stretch out your hand, distribute the loaves." Eizabeth Elliot

I want to wish you all the very Merriest of Christmases--the best celebration of the miraculous birth of our Savior--and I want to ask the Lord to help each of us in the new year, this new decade, to open our eyes and our hearts to see His miracles around us and to open our ears to hear His calling to join Him in accomplishing them. As He does, please feel free to post comments about the every day miracles He allows you to see and even participate in this year. If there are ministries that you participate in now that you would like to comment about, please tell us all about them. Maybe God will use you to help others to stop, look and listen! God bless you all!

First Things First

I opened my devotional today and read:

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased."  C.S. Lewis

God is good isn't He? I mean my intent for today was to post some of the problems I am having with being an empty nester and before I could even type one word God gave me the solution to all of those problems. It's really the solution to all of our cares and needs.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33. Of course sometimes the real problem is not not knowing the solution, it's how do I become so obedient to God's word that I live the solution and not the problem?

There may be some people out there that spend over twenty years of their lives raising children, serving children, caring for their every need, praying, driving, feeding, laughing, crying, arguing, embracing, loving children and then, when those children leave, feel relief and joy at their new found freedoms. I didn't feel that way. I was one of those women who always wanted children; when I was little I used to say I wanted a hundred! I ended up with three gorgeous, brilliant, funny out-spoken kids that I absolutely adore. Although I worked when the two oldest were born and served in ministries throughout most of their growing up, they were my "career". They left for wonderful lives, which I am thrilled to acknowledge. The "career" has ended--I guess I'm retired; now what? Am I alone? Do any of you feel that way?

I know I have a lot of years left--Lord willing--and I know all of the things I am supposed to be happily doing with all of my "free" time now that my nest is empty; I even want to be doing those things--sometimes. It's just that it doesn't feel right or good or real. My children left, my health crashed, I slowed down and the world kept going fast and I got lost. Anyone else? My father-in-law got sick and moved in with us only to get sicker and die. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, moved in with us and got sicker and I had to make the horrible decision to move her into an assisted living facility. Just as everyone left our home, my husband took a job that involves traveling nearly 99% of the time. The nest is empty and for a while now I have been empty too. Anyone?

All I have known to do is cry out to the Lord and you know what? He has heard my cries.  Elizabeth Elliot wrote, "It is when we come to the Lord in our nothingness, our powerlessness and our helplessness that He then enables us to love in a way which, without Him, would be absolutely impossible." Maybe it's good to be empty, maybe it's good not to be comfortable, not to have control, not to be able to help how you feel and what you are able to do. Maybe it's at those times that you can finally sit quietly and begin to hear the Spirit within you minister to you and encourage you and equip you for the new life that you have no choice but to live. Maybe it's at those times, when the house is too quiet and too clean, when there is no one you need to drive or feed or pay attention to that you truly can be totally still and KNOW that He is God and you can fall deeply in love with Him again. Maybe after I finish my rant to Him about the loneliness and the fear of not knowing what to do now, maybe then when I have reached the point of seeking Him above my yearnings for the past I will understand the scriptures when they say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths." Proverbs 3:5-6.

If any of you are in the place that I am in, I hope you'll join me on this journey of trust. I can't wait to see where He is going to guide us!