Unexpected Christmas

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18

"Do we not continually pass by blessings innumerable without notice, and instead fix our eyes on what we feel to be our trials and our losses, and think and talk about these until our whole horizon is filled with them, and we almost begin to think we have no blessings at all?" Hannah Whitall Smith

How was your Christmas? I hope you received all that you had hoped for. I hope you were surrounded by love and family and that you ended your day of celebrating Jesus' birth with full tummies and hearts. I can almost be certain that some of you who are reading this did not have the Christmas you had been dreaming about. I know mine did not go exactly as I had planned--in fact it went pretty much exactly the opposite of the way I had it planned and there were moments when I thought it was completely ruined. I wanted to cry or scream or both. It's my own fault. I paint the pictures in my head with too vivid of colors. I forget that when real people are involved the colors will mix together and overlap and the picture will at times be muted and at times be blurred and at other times look like a Jackson Pollock original.

My husband and I woke up really early to drive the hour to pick up my Mother and then drive the two hours to my youngest son's home. His house was already filled with so many that I love--both my sons, their wives, my granddaughter and new grandson. My daughter was on her way. As the house filled with the smells of the Christmas feast we were about to have and the area around the tree exploded with gifts to be opened I looked around with such contentment. Maybe the picture wasn't exactly what I had imagined, but it was pretty close. We ate our meal. Gift opening would come next and I could imagine the happy faces as each opened presents that had been picked out intentionally and with love for each one. Then I heard a fearful voice coming from the restroom. My mother was screaming for me to come help her. I entered to find blood everywhere and my 82 year old mother shaking violently. Isn't it strange that when we are confronted by things like this so often the Lord just seems to slow our hearts down and helps us to remain calm? Well, He does that for me anyway. I'm always calm when calamity strikes and then when it's over, I usually fall apart. When I say there was blood everywhere, I mean there was a LOT of blood. She had told us earlier that when she woke up that morning there was a lot of blood on her pillow and that her nurse's aide where she lives said it was a nose bleed. Her nose was bleeding again, but not like any nose bleed I had ever seen. My daughter came into the restroom and panicked. My son who's house it was immediately thought she would die right there in his home on Christmas morning. My husband, the voice of reason, said it's a bad nose bleed, let's apply pressure and stop the bleeding and she'll be o.k. I could see that the kids were too afraid so I said I thought we better take her to the hospital. We did. We spent hours in the emergency room on Christmas Day in New York City.

By the time we reached the hospital the bleeding had indeed stopped as the voice of reason had said but because she had so much blood on her and because she is elderly, they put her in a wheelchair and wheeled her right in. She was seen very quickly and the doctor confirmed it was just a bloody nose probably caused by her heater drying out the air in her apartment this time of year. He decided he would check out her blood to see if it was too thin or if she had lost too much so the two kids who had accompanied us went back to the festivities and my husband and I waited. As my daughter left she took a picture of her grandmother and put it on Facebook with the caption "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer!".

I am ashamed to say that at that moment my thoughts were not God's thoughts. I felt resentment that I was in the emergency room of a New York City hospital on Christmas instead of celebrating with my family. I wanted the doctors and the lab technicians to hurry--I felt robbed of precious moments and invaluable time. I almost felt panicked that I was loosing seconds that I would never be able to get back and I needed each one of those seconds--I really, really needed them! This was one holiday that my empty nest was going to be full again, when my quiet life would be filled with noise and laughter again and I was missing it all to care for the mother who was seldom there when I was a child to care for me.

I've cared for my mother since my father died--21 years ago. At first, it was just taking care of paying her bills because my father always did that. Through the years she needed more and more care until finally she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and she had to move in with us. My whole life the role of mother and child had been reversed. She never seemed to grow up and I had to grow up too quickly. We were never close, never bonded, never got along for any length of time. Despite that, rarely a day has gone by that I have not called her to make sure she was all right. I made sure that my children were around her as much as possible--they have always adored her. I accepted the responsibility of taking care of her because I knew it was expected of me. Somewhere along the journey of taking care of this woman who really only invoked anger in me because of her neglect, I began to see her through the Lord's eyes. I began to enjoy hearing the stories of the past that Alzheimer's had made so vivid to her. I began to excuse the things that in the past I had found inexcusable in her. She started telling strangers that I was her best friend and I thought, o.k., I can handle being her friend and caring for her as unto the Lord. The amazing thing was that in learning to care for her the Lord began healing me of the hurts and bitterness of the past.

But now we were in the emergency room and the images of being a child and having my own nose bleeds and only my father to comfort me and take care of me. The resentment stirred up because I could not be with my own children that I had tried to nurture in all of the ways that she had failed to nurture me. Why God? Just as the tears started to run over the brim of my eyes He literally opened my eyes. Here I was in a hospital on Christmas day surrounded by nurses, doctors, technicians, janitors and aides who were not home with their loved ones. They had been cheerful to us from the moment we got there. They had served my mother without a thought of their own losses. She was a stranger that needed their help and they were giving their best gift of care to her. I took another look at my mother laying on the hospital bed and asked the Lord to please forgive me and change my heart; to please help me to minister to her with love and patience and to show the people at this hospital His love through me. I knew at that point that He would give us the time we needed to all be together; that He would work it all for our good and that was enough--more then enough to bring me peace.

Shortly after that prayer the doctor returned to tell us all was well with her blood and shortly after that she was dismissed. As we left the hospital we were able to wish all of the workers a Merry Christmas with real joy in our hearts. By the time we eventually got my mother back to her home my heart was thankful for each moment we all shared, each kiss, each hug, each joy-filled laugh. I could not tell you what each person received for a Christmas gift--I don't even care--this Christmas will always be precious to me because God shook my perfect Christmas up like a snow globe. He shook up the control I was unknowingly trying to exert to make Christmas fit into my box, he shook up feelings I thought I had long ago conquered but were still under the surface making me sick and sad. He let the snow come (figuratively and literally) and settle on my life and the scene that was left after all the shaking up was so much prettier then the scene He could see in me before.

If your Christmas wasn't exactly what you had hoped for. If relationships were difficult or hurtful. If all you feel is empty or angry or resentful when you know that you should feel peaceful and loving and thankful please remember that God knows what you are feeling and He cares. Sometimes He even has to show us what we are feeling and He'll do that for you because He loves you and He really, really wants to heal you. As He reminds us in John 14:18, even if our earthly parents are not here for us for whatever reason, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

A Baby Changes Everything

I've been going through the motions of preparing for Christmas. I put away the Thanksgiving decorations. I looked at the boxes my husband brought out of storage and sat in the middle of our living room floor and I wondered why am I doing this? Our family will all be going to our youngest son's home for our Christmas celebration. We are empty nesters. There are no children to be delighted by the finished tree when the lights are turned on, no one to tell the Christmas story to as we set up the Nativity scene. I had talked myself into putting up the bare minimum and calling it a Christmas.

Then, a text message from my daughter--"Amanda is having her baby, welcome to the world Penny!".  That message brought the picture in my head to a day so many years ago when my daughter stayed home from third grade sick. There was a knock on our door. I opened it and there stood a little Amanda with a piece of construction paper in her hand. She told me she was one of my daughter's friends from school and asked if she could see her. I showed her to my daughter's room and she gave her the paper which had two figures on it, one Amanda and one Ashley. At the top read "get well soon, I miss you".  Thus started a friendship that has lasted over two decades; endured sleep overs, growing pains, teenage angst, separations from our moves, boys, men, family problems, colleges and careers. Amanda has been in our daughter's life and in ours it seems forever. Today she becomes a Mommy--a Mommy to Penny--Penny from heaven! I am feeling so much excitement and joy over this news.

The feelings her news brought into my life made me start wondering during my quiet time. Shouldn't that same excitement, that same joy be in me as Christmas approaches? Shouldn't I really be feeling even more of these emotions? We celebrate Christmas to celebrate the birth of another baby. THE baby, Jesus my Savior, is the reason for the celebration. Yet until this morning, I had become guilty of making the season about my losses--children who had grown and moved away, family so far away, an empty feeling house, spending so much money on presents, the extra work, blah, blah, bah, bah humbug! Then, as the song says, "a baby changes everything". My thoughts of Amanda and Penny turned to thoughts of Mary and Jesus. Just as we had been looking forward to her birth for nine months, the world had waited for a Savior for generations. Just as this new Mommy had been preparing a place in her heart for her precious one, I needed to prepare a place in my heart all over again for a celebration of thanksgiving to God for His precious Son.

Yes, the decorations I will complete in our home are reminders of happy times when the house was full of noise and children, but it's not the reason for the decorations. The presents I'll wrap and place under the tree are for the one's I love but they are not the reason we buy them. The food we'll prepare and the "feast" we'll all share will be a meal of love but we do not prepare it every year at this time just to have a reason to eat together. Jesus, as the saying goes, is the reason for not just the season but for all that we do to make it a festive time. The birth of Amanda's daughter has revived my excitement about Christmas because it has reminded me of the joy and freedom that our Savior's birth brought into this world. The news of this new precious baby brought my attention away from me and caused me to focus once again on Him. Have you needed to re-focus on Jesus as you've scurried to get things accomplished this Christmas? If so, please join me in praying for little Penny and as you picture her bundled up in a safe, clean hospital in Texas, please shift your focus to the birth of Jesus--no hospital room, a dirty, smelly stable--a King come to earth as man. Just as we pray that Penny will grow through the years and serve a purpose in her life, Jesus grew up to serve the purpose that His Father in heaven sent Him here to accomplish. We pray Penny will live a full and happy life and have a million blessings; Jesus lived a life of servitude as an example to us of obedience to God, He died a death that He did not deserve so that we might have a forever life in Heaven that we cannot earn. His life brings us forgiveness of our sins if we only ask Him, only receive Him as our Savior. If you've never done that, never prayed for Jesus to forgive you your sins, for Jesus to become your Savior, please use this time as you look at the beautiful decorations, as you admire each twinkling light, as you shop for each of your loved ones; to reflect on why you do these things. If you pray for that forgiveness today you, like all of us who know Jesus as our Savior, will understand that a baby truly does change everything.

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

First Things First

I opened my devotional today and read:

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased."  C.S. Lewis

God is good isn't He? I mean my intent for today was to post some of the problems I am having with being an empty nester and before I could even type one word God gave me the solution to all of those problems. It's really the solution to all of our cares and needs.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33. Of course sometimes the real problem is not not knowing the solution, it's how do I become so obedient to God's word that I live the solution and not the problem?

There may be some people out there that spend over twenty years of their lives raising children, serving children, caring for their every need, praying, driving, feeding, laughing, crying, arguing, embracing, loving children and then, when those children leave, feel relief and joy at their new found freedoms. I didn't feel that way. I was one of those women who always wanted children; when I was little I used to say I wanted a hundred! I ended up with three gorgeous, brilliant, funny out-spoken kids that I absolutely adore. Although I worked when the two oldest were born and served in ministries throughout most of their growing up, they were my "career". They left for wonderful lives, which I am thrilled to acknowledge. The "career" has ended--I guess I'm retired; now what? Am I alone? Do any of you feel that way?

I know I have a lot of years left--Lord willing--and I know all of the things I am supposed to be happily doing with all of my "free" time now that my nest is empty; I even want to be doing those things--sometimes. It's just that it doesn't feel right or good or real. My children left, my health crashed, I slowed down and the world kept going fast and I got lost. Anyone else? My father-in-law got sick and moved in with us only to get sicker and die. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, moved in with us and got sicker and I had to make the horrible decision to move her into an assisted living facility. Just as everyone left our home, my husband took a job that involves traveling nearly 99% of the time. The nest is empty and for a while now I have been empty too. Anyone?

All I have known to do is cry out to the Lord and you know what? He has heard my cries.  Elizabeth Elliot wrote, "It is when we come to the Lord in our nothingness, our powerlessness and our helplessness that He then enables us to love in a way which, without Him, would be absolutely impossible." Maybe it's good to be empty, maybe it's good not to be comfortable, not to have control, not to be able to help how you feel and what you are able to do. Maybe it's at those times that you can finally sit quietly and begin to hear the Spirit within you minister to you and encourage you and equip you for the new life that you have no choice but to live. Maybe it's at those times, when the house is too quiet and too clean, when there is no one you need to drive or feed or pay attention to that you truly can be totally still and KNOW that He is God and you can fall deeply in love with Him again. Maybe after I finish my rant to Him about the loneliness and the fear of not knowing what to do now, maybe then when I have reached the point of seeking Him above my yearnings for the past I will understand the scriptures when they say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths." Proverbs 3:5-6.

If any of you are in the place that I am in, I hope you'll join me on this journey of trust. I can't wait to see where He is going to guide us!

Welcome!

My first posting! There are a few things you should know about this blog. First, the title...my oldest son calls me Ma, the other two call me Mom, my daughters-in-love and my husband's daughter that I will not call "step" call me Susan (so far) and, of course, my grandchildren who can speak call me Grandma. I sign all my correspondence to them this way so I thought that it would be an appropriate title to identify me on a blog. I am married and totally in love with my husband of twenty-one years who is hardly ever home because he travels with his job. He is the most "Godly" man I have ever known and he accepts and loves me unconditionally. Which brings me to another thing you should know--I am a born again Christian which will become very apparent in my writing. I love Jesus. I have experienced so much that I hope will help you to relate to me and the things I will be writing about. I attended but did not complete college in my teens. In my twenties I was a career woman and a mother of three--two boys and a girl, a divorcee in my thirties, a single mom for a few years, a wife and mother in a blended family and ministry leader throughout my forties and now a woman in her fifties who stuggles with being an empty-nester. I hope that through this blog I will make some new relationships with other women who are living in any of those ages. I hope we can encourage each other and "mentor" each other through our experiences. I've learned a lot through the years that I would love to share and I need to learn a lot for the next years that I am sure some of you would love to teach. I really hope that you will join me--ask all sorts of questions, leave random remarks, encourage each other, pray for each other.

I mentioned before that I was struggling with being an empty-nester. I'll probably write more about this tomorrow, but maybe that's a good way for us to get started--a way for us to begin seeing into each other's worlds and hearts--what are you struggling with?